Insecurities: Access Denied

I'm totally feeling overwhelmed right now.  It's a Sunday afternoon--we had stake conference today--and I sat down on the couch to read the list of the 58 new missions the LDS church created.  I read the list, talked about it with Preston for a moment, and then I got distracted by a link on the sidebar:  "Why are so many mommy bloggers Mormon?" from the Deseret News.

One blog featured in the article is 71 toes.  Shawni, the author, is participating in the mommy blogger missionary effort started by Mariel of Or So She Says.  I got caught up browsing the comments on Shawni's blog in response to her acknowledgment of her faith and her willingness to share her testimony.

It's now been over an hour, Preston long ago disappeared for a nap, and I have finally stopped browsing blogs and comments on the subject since it gave me an itching anxiety.  Man, there is some pressure put on Shawni.  But I applaud her ability to answer questions and respond to criticism.  She mentioned that she served a mission, and I felt an odd sense of peace knowing that she's done this before.

And then the pressure hit me like a sack of flour: I never served a mission.

I began reading Preach My Gospel, but never got through it.  Sure, I've given talks and taught lessons and even been through the missionary discussions with friends, and I never worried about my understanding or ability to share.  But in one brief moment sitting on my couch I felt utterly inadequate.

And then, of course, with that domino came crashing all the others:
*Is my brain even able to know the stuff I need to know?
*Am I missing something I should be doing right now?
*Should I expect something of my blog beyond record keeping?
*I'm so inconsistent blogging.  I really need to set that schedule.
*But why?  I don't know what to write about anyway.  I'm not funny enough, or profound enough, and I don't "do" photography.
*I don't "do" photography?!  Then why in heaven's name do I have a blog?!

And then I felt all this pressure to take that photography class my mom got me for Christmas 3 years ago.

And then I remembered that I still haven't decided what I want to do for graduate school or even where and when to do it.  And that I have a goal to write a book someday, and that Shawni of 71 toestoes and mother of 5 kids wrote a book, and then I remembered how doggone tired I am even without 5 kids (and that I don't want 5 kids) and that I'm sick with the winter blues, and I feel like I can never be like Shawni and write a book and do everything else like have a perfect blog.

And then I remembered that during my hour of blog browsing I read this about blogs:

Shawni's Disclaimer

And it made me feel a little better at least about blogging.

So I returned to the old self who is independent and capable, comfortable in my own shoes, who doesn't succumb to pressure to be anyone or do just anything.

Like cliff jump at Lake Powell.